The Hunchback of Notre Dame Auction
by Opaque Opal
Summary: A very random idea I had on the school bus one day. What would happen if a bunch of authoresses wanted to buy HoND merchandise? How much will they bid for Frollo's Hat or for Frollo himself? Rated T for general randomness. Please R&R!
1. Round 1

Disclaimer: All items are hereby owned by Disney and/or Victor Hugo. I don't own anything (yet).

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**A/N: Believe it or not, I had this idea around 6:30 in the morning on the bus ride to school listening to my iPod. Random much. The following authoresses will be featured in here with names most compatible to their pen names. Hope you all enjoy!**

**Opaque Opal: Opal**

**Lazy Chestnut: Chess**

**Lennon Drop: Lenny (don't worry, it's a unisex name!)**

**theatreChick1794: Chickie**

**LilyHelsing: Lily**

**ForestWater: Whatever**

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Opal stood at the podium with a gavel in hand. Her blue eyes were hidden behind her spectacles, but she was determined. Determined to entertain, collect money, and sell some of the most prized possessions in the world.

"I hereby decree the first ever Hunchback of Notre Dame Auction ever!"

The few people who were in the room cheered with delight. Their wallets had more credit cards than Paris Hilton and Britney Spears combined. This was serious business. To add to the seriousness, each authoress carried wooden paddles with numbers on it.

"This is gonna be so much fun!" declared Whatever.

"CLOPIN IS MINE!" Chess cried.

"NO HE'S MINE!" shouted Lenny. The two almost ensued in a bitch fight, but Opal pounded the gavel threateningly.

"Hey! Save the fighting for the bidding!" she snapped.

They fell silent. After all, they wanted the auction to begin.

"The first item up for auction is—ESMERALDA'S TAMBORINE!"

A curtain unveiled the beautiful instrument. A revolving light above it made it shine at all angles.

"The starting bid will be 5 bucks!" Opal announced.

"God! That's cheap!" grumbled Lily.

"10!" Chickie screamed, waving her paddle.

"Going once? Going twice? SOLD TO CHICKIE!" Opal cried, slapping the gavel down. Esmeralda glared at the girl as she giddily started slapping it, jangling the bells on the side.

"Next up for auction. FROLLO'S HAT!"

Some of the authoresses booed, but their protests were silenced by a death glare from Lily.

"We don't even have to auction this off. Here you go," Opal grumbled, tossing it to her.

"YAY!" she squealed, catching it. She began to rub it along her cheek like a baby kitten. "It smells like him," she said dreamily.

"What DOES Frollo smell like?" Whatever asked.

"Honey and furniture polish," Lily sighed, stroking it.

"Funny. Normally I'd think he'd smell of wine and gypsy blood!" Lenny put out.

"HEY! WE HAVE FEELINGS TOO YOU KNOW!" Clopin and Esmeralda shouted from the sidelines.

"Okay," Opal said, casting a weird glance the auctioned items. "Next we've got DJALI!"

The little goat was led onto the stage on a rope leash, looking quite disgruntled and sad.

"He's quite the loveable creature. But he's overprotective and loyal. Similar to a Rottweiler. Bidding starts at 25!"

"That's a lot for a goat!" Chess remarked "But I'll take him!"

"SOLD TO CHESS!" Opal cried, slapping the gavel.

"WAHOO! I PWNED YOU ALL!" Chess cried, running up to take her new purchase.

"No one bid against you though," Lily pointed out, rolling her eyes. Chess completely ignored her, for she was too preoccupied with Djali. He had already peed on Lenny's sneakers, butted Chickie in the knees, and even took a chunk out of Frollo's hat.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Lily screamed, causing everyone to go deaf within a forty mile radius (except for the authoresses. For Opal doesn't know how to write fanfictions using sign language).

"Why did he do that?" Chess asked, looking up at Opal with annoyance.

"I forgot to mention. He's not housebroken and unless you buy Esmeralda he won't behave."

"Can I have my money back?" Chess asked.

"NO! ALL SALES ARE FINAL!" Opal said, banging her gavel loudly.

"When are you auctioning off Clopin?" Chickie asked.

"Not for a while. So don't you guys worry about it. Up for our next item ACHILLES!"

Phoebus' horse was led up on stage, looking quite content. He came with a nice saddle and a bag of oats was tied around his neck.

"Well, I've never been to a horse auction before. How much do they run for?" Opal asked.

"I think depending on the type you want they can be up to 100 grand," Chess said thoughtfully.

"Well, we'll start the bidding at a nickel," Opal said wisely.

"I shall buy him!" said a highly masculine voice. Very randomly, Daniel Radcliffe entered the room only wearing boxers. Nearly every single girl in the room gave ear-piercing fangirl squeals of delight.

"OMG! DANIEL RADCLIFFE!" Opal shrieked, barely able to contain her excitement.

"We're touring _Equus _in the United States this summer. And we need another horse. Can I buy this lovely creature?" Daniel asked with his adorable British accent.

"On one condition. YOU give tickets to us and we can invite as many people as we want," Lenny said.

"Done deal," Daniel grinned.

"WAHOO!" everyone cheered. Achilles was not looking forward to his home however. After all, who would want to be acting next to a kid who's sexually attracted to horses and rides them naked? Once the completely random moment was out of the way, the auction continued. Opal managed to buy Esmeralda's Woven Necklace for 38 and even Lenny bought Quasimodo's Figurine Set for a whopping 300.

"Alright my friends. Our first round of the many rounds of this auction is about to close. So here's the final item for tonight." Everyone waited with baited breath, praying it would be something good. And it was:

"THE TRIO OF GARGOYLES: HUGO, VICTOR, AND LAVERNE!"

"I'll buy 'em for 500 bucks!" Chess cried.

"Wait to go, gorgeous," Hugo winked, springing to life.

"Quit flirting with humans you pig!" Laverne ordered, slapping him upside the head.

"Why must I be auctioned off like a slave?" Victor asked woefully.

"I'll buy them for 600!" Whatever cried.

"650!" shouted Chickie.

"700" said Lily.

"725!" Chess screamed.

"890!" Whatever declared.

Everyone went silent, even the gargoyles. That was the highest bid so far and they haven't even gotten to the people yet.

"Going once?" Opal asked.

No response.

"Twice?"

No response.

"SOLD TO WHATEVER! Auction is dismissed for the time being!"

And with that, everyone collected their purchases and went home. But in the back of their minds, they were eager for Round 2.

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**A/N: Did you guys like it? I'm sorry its really random. But I'm not sure if I can write it in play format. Flames will be put out with a fire extinguisher, but constructive criticism is appreciated. **


	2. Round 2

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Disclaimer: Some OCs are being featured in this chapter. Just a forewarning I own NONE of them. I also don't want you to be offeneded my work. I write parodies for fun. And if you don't like it, then just go read something else.

**A/N: Bargh, fanfiction is stupid and it won't let me post dollar signs for whatever reason. So I have to spell out "bucks" and "dollars". If you have a problem with this (which hopefully there shouldn't be), then I don't know what to tell you. Anyways, on with the chapter! **

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"Round two is now in session!" Opal declared, slamming the gavel.

"Can we have a professional auctioneer now?" Chess asked.

"Alright, I was getting tired of this anyways," Opal grumbled, taking a seat between Whatever and Chickie. A man in a gray tweed suit stepped up to the podium. His black hair hung in greasy strands over his eyes and he had a potbelly.

"Good afternoon, ladies. My name is Timothy Frogspawn and I'll be your auctioneer for the next couple of rounds," he said breezily.

"Did he just say his last name was Frog_sperm_?" Lily asked. She was too busy stroking Frollo's hat to hear what the auctioneer said. Everyone burst into hysterics, tears streaming down their faces. Suddenly, heavenly music played throughout the room and the lights dimmed as something glittered. It was something black and stretchy. Could it be? It was!

"Clopin's tights. Bidding starts at 60 dollars!" said Mr. Frogspawn.

The girls squealed so loudly that the windows broke. To save the sanity of those reading this story, the authoress will now automatically fast forward to the winner of the auction.

"AIEEEEEEEEE!! CLOPIN WORE THIS!" Chickie squealed, hugging the nylon. She had bid 528 dollars and 62 cents. If she wasn't their friend, they would've gunned her down faster than a machine gun.

"Now then, for our next item--"

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_**A/N: To save the sanity of those who are reading this and because the authoress is quite lazy at the moment, we will now skip ahead to the people's auction.**_

A girl almost identical to Opal stood before them next to Mr. Frogspawn. However, unlike Opal, she had a smaller bust and a smaller frame. In addition, she didn't have glasses.

"First up for auction is Brielle Badeau! Created by Opal, she is a charming girl who may or not be a Sue. Bidding starts at 200 dollars," said Mr. Frogspawn.

"WHAT? THAT'S A LOT OF MONEY!" Lenny exclaimed.

"I'll buy her for 250! Then I can torture her for murdering my Frollo-poo!" Lily growled. Brielle gulped, staring fearfully at the Frollo fan girl.

"Here's 300 dollars!" cried Whatever, waving a wad of cash at Mr. Frogspawn.

"Going once? Going twice? SOLD TO WHATEVER!"

"Awesome! Don't worry, you didn't murder Clopin so you're safe with me," Whatever said comfortingly. Brielle looked relieved as she sat with the gargoyle trio, whom Whatever had also purchased.

"Alright, next up is--"

"Oh please be Clopin!" Chess prayed.

"You're wrong! It's Marie-Sue Arena Christine Kaylyn Rose. But you can call her Amy for short."

"Oh no," everyone groaned. Amy, who was a parody Sue created by Chess, looked like a blown up Barbie doll; complete with the large chest and wavy blonde hair.

"Can you buy me, Chess?" Amy whined, "you created me after all." Her tone of voice soon turned seductive. "And you bought Djali! You need two for the price of one after all," she crooned, licking her Angelina Jolie-like lips. Djali gulped and the girls watched in disgust.

"No way am I buying you, Amy! I nearly went bulimic just trying to write the romance scenes you had, especially with Frollo!" Chess declared.

Lily glared at her and Amy looked on the verge of throwing a temper tantrum.

"But that's not fair!" she cried, tears threatening to spill gracefully out of her shining eye sockets.

"This dress isn't low cut enough!" Amy added, pulling down her dress so low her nipples were in danger of spilling over the fabric.

"Oh dear God!" Chickie screamed, shielding her eyes.

"QUICKLY! SOMEONE BUY HER!" Mr. Frogspawn begged, sweating nervously as Amy tried to seduce him as well.

"I can't believe I'm doing this. I'll buy her for a nickel," Lenny winced.

"YAY!" Amy giggled, jumping gracefully into the air and sitting on Lenny's lap,

"We're going to have so much fun together!"

"Like hell we will!" she yelled.

Conveniently, there was a large wood stove oven in the corner. Lenny eyed it gleefully.

"You look quite cold, how about a sit by the fire?" Lenny asked.

"No thanks," Amy said.

Suddenly, they heard a melodic voice sing "There's no place like London…"

Turning around in their seats, the group came face to face with none other than

"SWEENY TODD!" they swooned. Played by Johnny Depp, he was the demon barber of Fleet Street. Despite his skunk colored hair, pale skin, and the desire to slit throats, he was genuinely adorable.

"You ma'am! How about a shave?" Sweeney asked, flipping out a razor close to her chin.

"Yes! I'm due for my Brazilian anyways!" she said happily, slowly, lifting up her dress.

"That's not what I had in mind," Sweeny grinned slyly. And with that, he slashed the knife across Amy's throat, graphically showering her blood on everyone.

"EWWWWWW!" Opal cried as Sweeny dragged her corpse to the oven.

"I'm kind of sad to see her go," Chess remarked.

"Really?" Lily asked.

Chess shrugged her shoulders as the fire alarms went off.

"What's up with all this randomness Opal?" Whatever shrieked as the sprinklers went off.

"I dunno, but at least the blood gone!" Opal reasoned logically

"Thank God that's over. Now for Lavender Black, created by our own Lily!" said Mr. Frogspawn.

"I'm so proud of her," Lily exclaimed proudly, dabbing a single tear daintily.

"Hey! Her two names represent colors!" Whatever laughed, slapping her knee.

Ignoring this, Mr. Frogspawn continued, "As I was saying, this girl's eyes and lips match her first name while her hair represents her last name."

"Huh?" Chickie and Chess asked.

"Never mind, bidding starts at 200 dollars!"

"I'll buy her!" Opal offered, "is that okay with you?" she asked Lily.

"Sure, I'm saving all my money for Frollo anyways!"

"You're a doll," Opal smiled, hugging her. And with that, Lavender was sold to the blonde authoress.

"Sweet! But you DO know that if you're living under my house you aren't falling for Frollo and Clopin. It's either one or the other, and you're welcome to have Frollo because then Clopin is mine!"

"Who are we bidding on next, Mr. Frogspawn?" Chickie asked.

"I can't tell you! It creates a dramatic effect! You'll find out—RIGHT AFTER THE BREAK!" he cried, sounding oddly like Ryan Seacrest.

"Dammit!" Lenny grumbled.

Even though they finally had been rid of Amy and Opal's poor auction leading skills had been replaced, there was sadness in the air. They were barely halfway through and the Gypsy King hadn't been auctioned yet. But there was always hope for round three…

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**A/N: I had a lot of fun writing this chapter! And I need more ideas for HoND things to auction because one of the chapters I'm doing is a list of items that went up, who bought them, and for how much. PLEASE REVIEW!! **


	3. Round 3

**A/N: Due to the fact that I want to continue my other stories and start new ones, this will be the final chapter/round of my auction. Thanks to all my lovely reviewers, participants, and the random characters I added to make this parody crazy and funny! Hope y'all enjoy!**

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The five girls came back into the room after an extremely long break.

"This is the final round, right?" Chickie asked, looking at her complimentary leaflet describing the program.

"Sadly, yes. But at least we're get to bid on Clopin now!" Whatever exclaimed.

"HELL YEAH! HE'S MINE!" Chess cheered.

"No, he's mine!" Opal declared.

"Save your bickering for the bidding, ladies," Mr. Frogspawn said calmly, returning to the podium. The girls became rapt with attention. Now was their moment where all friendship would be put on hold. After all, one of them had to win Clopin! Mr. Frogspawn approached a tube-like curtain with green polka-dots on it.

"Alright, now first up for auction. She's quite gorgeous, a Gypsy--"

"Get on with it! We already KNOW its Esmeralda!" Lenny grumbled.

"Wrong!" said Mr. Frogspawn, "it's Quasi's mom!" And sure enough, the mother of the hunchbacked protagonist was revealed. She was smiling sheepishly.

"But she died in the movie!" Lily pointed out.

"Frollo died in the movie too! But we're auctioning him, right?" Mr. Frogspawn replied knowledgeably.

"I guess you're right," Lily sighed.

"Bidding starts at 20 dollars!"

"But that's not fair!" Quasi's mom said grumpily, "Just because I only got 5 minutes of screen time doesn't mean I'm worthless!"

"Oh what the heck, I'll buy her for 40 bucks!" Lily offered. When no one else objected joined in, Mr. Frogspawn smacked his gavel.

"SOLD TO LILY!" he boomed.

"Sweet," Lily exclaimed as Quasi's mother sat next to her, "but nothing will be sweeter when I buy Frollo!"

"YOU MEAN YOU FANCY THAT OLD FART THAT KILLED ME?!" Quasi's mom shrieked.

"Basically," Lily said.

"Ha ha, you're going to end up buying all the dead people from the movie!" Opal giggled.

"Be quiet before I take the gemstone of your namesake and shove it up your ass!" Lily threatened.

"Huh?" Whatever asked.

"Never mind! Next up for auction is the beloved protagonist of the story. He may be ugly but he has a heart of gold, QUASIMODO!"

The hunchback was blushing with embarrassment. He'd never seen so many girls in one room in all his life.

"Is that my son?" Quasi's mom asked.

"I'm your son?" Quasi repeated dumbly.

"Have a heart and reunite the mother and son, Lily!" Chess exclaimed.

"But I have his figurine set!" Lenny pointed out, "I'll buy Quasi for 150 dollars!"

"SOLD TO LENNY!" Mr. Frogspawn shouted.

"Quasi's my favorite character though!" sniffled Opal. As Quasi took a seat by Lenny and started to play with the figurines, Opal and Quasi's mom crowded around him.

"Can I have your autograph?" Opal asked, holding out her Lisa Frank autograph book she had from the age of 4.

"Okay," Quasi said as his mother attempted to smother him with kisses. He conveniently had a quill and ink and he scribbled his name into the book.

"Next up for auction, ESMERALDA!" Mr. Frogspawn said. Reddish smoke began to disperse throughout the room as Esmeralda stood in her Festival of Fools dress.

"She's so pretty!" everyone chorused.

"Bidding starts at 300 dollars!" Mr. Frogspawn stated.

"320!" Chess cried, swinging her paddle back and forth

"340!" added Opal.

"360!" Chickie squeaked.

"380!" Chess screamed. No one else moved. Opal, however wasn't going to give up that easy.

"400!" she said.

"480!" Chess exclaimed.

"Going once? Going twice? SOLD TO CHESS!" Mr. Frogspawn said. Esmeralda danced gracefully over to Chess.

"YAY!" Chess squealed as she hugged the beautiful Gypsy. Djali's bad behavior was immediately changed as he licked both the girl's cheeks.

"NEXT UP WE HAVE THE ARCHDEACON!" boomed Mr. Frogspawn, revealing the clergy man. Whether he was overweight or had on innumerable robes, no one could tell.

"I'll have him for 100 dollars! Pretty please?" Chickie pleaded.

"Alright, SOLD TO CHICKIE!" Mr. Frogspawn said, "Next we have the evil, the old, the ugly, JUDGE CLAUDE FROLLO!"

"I beg to differ on the ugly part," Lily said defensively as everyone began to boo.

"Oh come on, everyone knows I'm the most evil Disney villain around!" Frollo whined.

"No, there's Cruella DeVille! She wanted to slaughter innocent puppies to make a fashion statement!" Whatever sobbed.

"Even I find that twisted. You wouldn't see ME wearing Gypsy skin on my back even it were hotter than the baker's bread!" Frollo declared.

"Bidding starts at 5 dollars," Mr. Frogspawn stated.

"Come now, I'm worth more than that!" Frollo said.

"Regardless, you're coming home with me, baby!" Lily grinned, throwing her Visa card at Mr. Frogspawn and practically dragging Frollo to the audience.

"Alright. Next on our list we have a man. A man who's so courageous, so handsome and soooo dumb, it's PHOEBUS!"

Opal started to giggle as Phoebus grinned despite the fact that Mr. Frogspawn had openly insulted him.

"I HATE PHOEBUS BASHERS!" Whatever declared. Whipping out her wallet, she took out 600 dollars and handed them neatly to Mr. Frogspawn.

"Don't even bother saying how much you'd auction for him. Even though some people may think he's stupid, he is an overall decent character!"

And with that, the authoress took hold of Phoebus's hand and led him off the stage to sit with her other purchases.

"You didn't even bother bidding for my husband?" Esmeralda shrieked, shaking Chess by the shoulders.

"What? I already got your goat!" Chess stated obviously. Suddenly, the lights went off and numerous others began to flash around like they were at a circus.

"What the hell?" Opal cried.

"And now, the moment you've all been waiting for! Put your hands together for the amazing, the acrobatic, the truss-wearing Gypsy king CLOPIN!"

At that moment, the screams that rang throughout the room were so loud they could've caused anyone within a 350.6536321 mile radius to lose their hearing. If you have no idea how that sounds, just imagine the Jonas Brothers, Miley Cyrus, NSYNC, the Backstreet Boys, and any other pop-star singing sensation to be teaming up with High School Musical to perform at an all-girls elementary school. That's what you would've heard, if anything at all.

"Bidding starts at 1000 dollars!" Mr. Frogspawn declared. The authoresses were screaming so loudly he could barely figure out who was bidding what. Clopin looked at the situation with amusement, but with great fear as well. He would rather have the die defending the Court of Miracles than at the hands of raving teenage fan girls. Suddenly, two figures entered the room.

"Hello, everyone!" said a humorous adult voice.

"Hey, it's Robin Williams!" Opal exclaimed, running up to hug the acclaimed actor.

"Who's the kid with you?" Chickie asked as the other authoresses began to crowd around him.

"This is Jack. He can name all the capitals of the 50 states!" Robin said, rubbing the kids head affectionately, "he went to St. Jude Children's Hospital when he was diagnosed with leukemia. And due to the medical advancements his survival rate increased by 94 percent!"

"That's impressive!" Lily said admirably. She looked back at Clopin, then to Jack and Robin, then back again.

"Are you guys thinking what I'm thinking?" she asked.

"If you're thinking about letting me buy Clopin and declare my undying love for him, then yes! I know what you're thinking!" Opal said.

"No! Why don't we donate Clopin to St. Jude?" Lily offered. The other authoresses stared at her as if she were on crack.

"I know we love Clopin, but just think! He can entertain kids 24/7 and we can always visit! Not as a patient, but we can hang out with him and make the days brighter for kids with life threatening diseases!"

"You're right. After all, the good Lord wants us to help those who are less unfortunate then us!" Chess said.

"OK! It's a done deal!" Whatever said, shaking hands with Robin Williams.

"Hooray!" Lenny cried. Soon, everyone was hugging one another in happiness.

"Hey! Who wants to go out for ice-cream?" Opal finally asked.

"Despite the fact I'm lactose intolerant, why not? A man can only live once!" said Mr. Frogspawn. As they began to depart, he handed out goodie-bags of items that hadn't been auctioned off.

"Sweet! I got a loaf of bread from the baker!" said Chickie.

"And I got a miniature version of the triplet bells Quasi rang!" Whatever said.

"I GOT PUPPET!" Opal shrieked with glee.

And with that, the auction concluded with a happy ending where they all lived happily ever after.

**THE END**

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**A/N: And so, this concludes the HoND auction. I hope y'all enjoyed reading it as much as I had writing it. Also, the whole thing with Robin Williams and Jack isn't made up. It's an actual St. Jude commercial I saw on Youtube. Please R&R and check out my other stories! I only need to finish one more and then I can concentrate all my energy onto even more stories and to It's A Small World After All.**


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